ITT: I will get you laid. No, really...I will

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Since I figured this forum needed some good content....
CLIFFS: Rigatoni Campagnolo with a white wine sauce and goat cheese, and a Banoffee pie for desert. It'll impress, it'll taste like Jesus came in your mouth, it'll get ya laid. Trust me. Oh and there are plenty of pics, so read the whole thread.

So I am currently incapacitated at the moment due to a severely messed up knee, and with all the free time on my hands I am always trying to occupy myself with whatever I can to keep the boredom at bay. As such I decided to make a wonderful romantic night for my girlfriend, complete with candles, a fancy ass tablecloth with lace and shit and some of the best food to ever cross your lips. FUCK going to a fancy restaurant, this will be cheaper, taste better and be much more romantic. Let's begin.

So let's say that your SO is working a shift at the hospital, and let's say you get bored of sitting around surfing the internet and watching Snatch. She get's home in an hour and a half or so...Plenty of time to create a fine evening. Go ahead and set the mood, get the table set up and put away all the porn you've been entertaining yourself with. Come up with a menu, in this case we will be making Rigatoni Campagnolo for an entree and Banoffee pie as desert. Traditionally Rigatoni Campagnolo is served with sliced italian sausage in the sauce...but I didn't have any, so we went vegetarian on this meal. For deaert we will be enjoying Banoffee, a traditional british desert. The name comes from combining the names of it's main two ingredients bananas and toffee, it is one of the most decadent, rich and truly scrumptious things you will ever eat. Luscious, sweet, perfect in every way.

However, you don't really use toffee, you use a Dulce De Leche, and as that takes the longest to make you should start your night with that.

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

Combine 2 14 ounce cans of sweetened condensed milk and a dash of salt (about a 1/4 teaspoon), mix well and add this mixture too a non reactive pan (glass, enamel, etc). Place this pan in a warm water bath inside another pan. I didn't have any pans small enough to fit into my big pan so I improvised:

I used a large ceramic bowl inside a metal pan with the water going up about to about half of the bowl, turned out perfectly. Obviously, if you can use some sort of casserole dish as it will take much less time to cook (about an hour to an hour and a half as opposed to my two hours). Cover the Dulce with tin foil and put into a 425 degree oven, remember to periodically pull this out and stir it as you cook the rest of the meal .

Now you can start on the sauce for the pasta, put a large skillet on medium heat and add a couple teaspoons of olive oil. Finely chop 1/2 of a large sweet onion, or one whole small red onion it's up to you, and dice one whole bell pepper. Add this to your hot skillet with some salt, pepper, paprika and a dash of cayenne (all to taste).

Mix this around some and cook over medium heat until the onions are soft, about 5-7 minutes. Use this time to mince your garlic. BTW, I am talking about real garlic here, not the shit that comes in a jar or garlic powder. For this recipe two cloves should do the trick.

Oh and for you kids out there who don't even know how to turn on your stove, this is not a clove of garlic:

THIS is a single clove:

You will find them when you peel the garlic. If you add two of the big ones, you won't be able to eat your meal.

So now that the garlic is minced (if you MUST use the precut garlic in a jar then use about one tablespoon), and the onions are soft (you've been stirring right?) add in your garlic:

Stir this around and let the garlic get soft, about a minute...two minutes max. At this point it's very easy for your garlic and onions to burn. You don't want that, do you? After everything looks good and ready add in one cup of any dry white wine, I used a Sauvignon Blanc, but you can use whatever dry white wine suits you.

Reduce the heat and allow this to reduce by half stirring occasionally, shouldn't take long at all. once it's reduced, add in a 28oz can of crushed tomatoes and stir.

There you go, the sauce is basically done, just reduce the heat to a slow simmer and stir occasionally while working on the rest of the food.

posted by  Zalight

Now back to desert! Speaking of which, you've been remembering to mix your Dulce de Leche every 15 minutes or so, haven't you?

Time to start on the crust for your pie, first combine your dry ingredients into a bowl, you'll need 2 cups of all purpose flour, 1/2 a cup of whole wheat flour, 1 a teaspoon of salt and 1/2 a teaspoon of cinnamon. Now in a large mixing bowl cream 1 cup (two sticks) of butter that you have let come up to room temperature (about an hour or so outside of the fridge) with an electric mixer on medium speed. Once it's smooth add in 1/4 cup of brown sugar and 1/4 cup of regular sugar, keep mixing until it's nice and blended together. Add in a 1/4 cup of honey (honey is the shizznit BTW) and mix until well combined.

mmm...shit looks good son!

Now add in about half of the dry ingredients and mix until combined, slowly add in the rest of the dry team until it's all fully incorporated.

allow this to sit in the fridge for a while to firm up, meanwhile make some homemade whipped cream. That's right ***gots, real whipped cream not some ***** ass coolwhip shit. It's easy as hell to make, just put 2 cups of heavy cream, 4 tablespoons of sugar and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract into a standing mixer, put it on medium and let it go until it's stiff. easy as hell and ten times better than anything you'll find in the freezer aisle at albertsons.

Place you badass whipped cream into a ziploc bag and put it in the fridge for now.

Check your Dulce again.

Ready yet?


Didn't think so, this shit seriously takes a while to cook. But it's soooooo worth it. You'll know it's done when it's a nice butterscotch color and the consistency is velvety and thick.

So....just waitin for shit to get done now, huh?


Well you could check in on the girlfriend who is now home and patiently waiting for her epic meal.

She seems fine, don't want to bug her too much, she is in engrossed in the twilight series. Let her be and go back to the kitchen where you belong.

Now's a good time to put on the rigatoni, I'm not going to give you directions on how to cook pasta if you can't figure it out then please close the internet and make sure mommy and daddy know your playing on the 'puter.

Might as well take the dough out for your pie crusts.

Should be nice and firm by now. Is it?


That means we are one step closer to perfect banoffee. Tis the time to teach you the easy way to get dough into a pie pan. Place wax paper on your counter, lightly flour this, put your dough on the paper and roll it out and dust with flour. Place you pie pan upside down on the dough, place another piece of wax paper on top of this. Now you have a little sandwich going which should look like this, from top to bottom:

wax paper
upside down pie pan
flour dust
flour dust
wax paper

Yeah? Good. Carefully flip this whole thing over as one giant mahjigger, remove the wax paper that is now on top which used to be on bottom, you should have a bunch of dough sitting on top of your pie pan, press it into the pan and trim off the excess on the edges with a sharp knife. this excess will fall onto your bottom layer (which used to be the top layer) of wax paper, making it easy to roll out again.

See? I'm a fucking genius, aren't I?

You should have enough dough for two crusts, so repeat the process for the other pie pan.


Time to check the dulce again.

OH SHIT! Looks all golden delicious, thick and velvety? FUCK YEAH! PULL THAT SHIT OUT!

Now use a whisk to mix it up real good, it'll be kinda wierd and chunky at first but after a few whisks it turns into a creamy bowl of goodness!

The woman couldn't keep her fingers out of the bowl, this stuff is seriously addictive. SOOOOO good.

Now leave the oven door open for a bit because it needs to cool down to 325, poke some holes in your pie crust with a fork to allow air to escape, thereby decreasing bubbles in your crust, and place both your delicious looking pie crusts in the oven for about 18-20 minutes.

Well what do you know? That's almost the exact amount of time your pasta will need to be perfectly al dente! It's almost like it was planned or something.....

Drain your pasta and put it back in the pan to allow it to cool slightly.

posted by  Zalight

Just enough time to make you pies!

Pour your Dulce into your pies, not too much, you don't want your banans to be swimming in it. Speaking of bananas slice up three bananas and lay them in the dulce.


Now put your pies in the fridge to allow them to fully cool.

Serve up your pasta with some goat cheese on top and a sprinkle of oregano for flavor and garnish.

Holy Christ doesn't that shit look fucking great?!?!?!?

So dinner is over, you're done staring into each others eyes over candle light and talking about cute coupley stuff and all that shit. She's been going on about how your the greatest person ever because you put so much effort into this and all that Jazz, you get up to clear the table and when your in the kitchen, you start melting about 6 ounces of your favorite chocolate in a double boiler. By the time you have the dishes in the dishwasher your chocolate should be good and pull one of them pies out of the fridge along with your baggie'o'whipped cream.

Cut a small hole in one corner of the bag and squeeze out your delicious white goo all over the pie. now take a spoon and drizzle some melted chocolate all over the top.


Slice a couple pieces, it won't be clean as this is a messy desert, and take it back out to the table.

I'm dead serious, this will be one of the best things you will ever eat.


Right about this time your girlfriend will be so amazed with your culinary skill and willingness to put an effort into the happiness of your relationship, she will rip your pants off and proceed to assault you in the most pleasant of ways.

Once you're done, you can go outside and relax, content with your wonderful evening.

posted by  Zalight

Finally, something useful posted on these forums.
That shit looks absolutely orgasmic.

posted by  chris_knows

I missed you bro! haha :wink2:

posted by  99integra

It is, son.


posted by  Zalight

What's up, buddy?

posted by  Zalight

:laughing: nice man

posted by  jedimario

Admit it.

you want to make it.

posted by  Zalight

I know what I'm doing tonight...haha. If my son can keep from crying...

posted by  Satty101

sadly in and out of county other than that im a telemarketer :laughing:

posted by  99integra

look at this, i leave this place for a year or so and everyone get's all growed up.

Wife and kid now, huh?

posted by  Zalight

hey man, call centers pay pretty good.

posted by  Zalight

The desert looks pretty ballin' but I hate Italian.

posted by  jedimario

Yep...and my own house, and tons of toys. haha

posted by  Satty101

And you're in colorado, now?


posted by  Zalight

For now...was going to move to Wyoming, then chose not to. Now contemplating the military. Wife thinks its a good idea as do I so...I'm just getting bored I suppose.

posted by  Satty101

While the Air Force was a good idea for me in whole, I hated the whole time in! I'm NOT a person that does well in that environment of "orders" and rank. I got myself in lots of trouble all the time not acting "proper" with those of higher rank, but lower on the intelligence measure.

What are you planning on going in as/for? Have you spoken to a recruiter? What have they "PROMISED" you if you've gone to speak to someone already?...LOL!! Just remember that you may be promised the world, but in the end Uncle Sam will put you where he needs you regardless of the "promises".

I for one, got lucky on my job and experience in the AF. I went in wanting something else, was promised it, and ended up where they wanted me. It worked out better though.

posted by  BavarianWheels

Army for some kind of repairing of...something. Radar, satelites, or just something in meteorology if they have anything. I did talk to a recruiter however I never asked what options I had for a job. I took my ASVAB pre-test and scored an 83 which I thought was decent. Turns out that's like, top 10 percentile. Made me happy. I was below average in school, so. Cool thing is, I'm not too far from a base here, so I could (in theory) work for the army a few miles from my house and family. If I get stationed somewhere else, meh. No big deal.

posted by  Satty101

You could go into the airforce and work as an airframe mechanic.

Come out with shitloads of experience in a job that pays damn well.

posted by  Zalight

Sidenote - congrats on all that you have, sir! You sound like you're doing well.

posted by  Zalight

Can't join the airforce. I have too many tattoos on my arms.

To the sidenote; thank you. Things really have gotten better in the last couple of years.

posted by  Satty101

Wouldn't this only be a problem if you were to wear shortsleeves? Or will they not let you in at all to begin with. I've seen many AF people with tattoos that extend below the shortsleeve line...they simply cannot wear the shortsleeve shirts in any uniform.

posted by  BavarianWheels

The new and improved rules for the AF is no more than 20% of your forearms can be covered in tattoos. I have roughly 45-50% covered. One of which will extend out just a tad from the end of a longsleve.

posted by  Satty101

I made the pie and it's really good but a bit sweet for me. I'm thinking maybe sprinkling some crushed pistachios or walnuts next time.

But yeah, everyone should make this. She will def love it.

Here's what mine looked like. Looking back at Zalight's pic, I might have overdone it a bit with the condensed milk.

posted by  chris_knows

That's probably why it seemed sweet, there is a pissload of sugar in condensed milk.

posted by  dodgerforlife

So I made the pasta last night and it turned out pretty good. Def easier to make than the pie, and def delicious.
I skipped on the goat cheese and thought about feta but completely forgot. I liked it with some parmesan and crushed pepper though.
Here's a pic of what was left

posted by  chris_knows

Best thread ever! Always wonder how to make decent pasta sauce ever since going to an Italian restaurant in NYC last year, the stuff you get out of a jar just doesn't cut it.

posted by  fudge

Looks good, especially the pie. I wish I had the time to cook more, I really like it too

posted by  Voda48

Just tried making this again, turned out pretty good, but I accidentally overdid it with the wine lol...

Pasta (
Pie (

posted by  chris_knows

Fukking love the dessert, I make that with everything, just made it for mother's day.

posted by  chris_knows

.......This seems SO wrong. Thread title + mothers day? WHOAAAA!

posted by  dodgerforlife

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