Favorite family guy quotes

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Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?


Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."



Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.


Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."


Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!


Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.


Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?


Peter - I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life.
Guy - OH MY GOD!
Peter - No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead.


Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking


Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Peter- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this isn't my Batman glass.



Post your favs. :mrgreen:

posted by  GreekWarrior

My fav. is in the Peter Woods episode.
When peter says this is more awkward then that star trek episode I saw.
And its (played by the actual star trek actors) Picard makes fun of Warf’s ridges saying his head looks like a fanny... yup that ones my fav.

posted by  TheFieroKid

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah...now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

(Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration)
Peter Griffin: Uh... my name is...(he sees a pea)
Peter Griffin: Pea...
(he sees a woman crying)
Peter Griffin: ... tear...
(he sees a Griffin fly by)
Peter Griffin: ... Griffin. Peter Griffin

Peter (runs to picketers bearing signs that say "Free Tibet"): Free Tibet! I'll take it! (Runs to phone booth.) Hello, China? I think I have something you may want, but it's gonna cost you....that's right--all the tea.

posted by  Coffin Type R

Seeing as how I was a choir boy back in HS, my favorite FAmily Guy quotes have to do with the music numbers. My two favorites are the Four Petershttp://www.fgmma.com/media/TN_Song/Family_Guy_-_The_Four_Peters.jpg , and the You have AIDS song.

Doctor (talking to patient) : I don't know how to tell you this Mr. Debani, So I'll let these guys do it.

**cue the musical intro**
**Peter enters the room followed by his Babershop Quartet**
http://www.fgmma.com/media/TN_Song/Family_Guy_-_You_Have_AIDS.jpg
Peter:You, have AIDS
Quartet:Yes you have aids
Peter:I hate to tell you boy that you have AIDS
Quartet: You've got the AIDS
Peter:You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here.
Quartet:Or maybe all that unprotected sex with you here.
Peter:It isn't clear
Peter and Quartet:but what we're certain of is
Peter:You have AIDS
Quartet:Yes you have AIDS
Peter:Not HIV
Peter and Quartet:but full blown AIDS
Peter and Quartet:Be sure that you see *half note{2 beats}*, that this is not HIV*dotted whole note{5 beats}*
Peter and Quartet:BUT FULL BLOWN AIDS
Lead and Tenor:not HIV but really,
Peter and Quartet:FULL BLOWN AIDS
Bass:I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious
Peter and Quartet:BUT ITS AIDS
Peter and Quartet:[the tag line]YOU'VE
GOT
THE
A
I
D
S

posted by  elchango36

WHat about the time Peter locked himself INSIDE the car???? :orglaugh:

posted by  elchango36

:laughing:

Thanks! I love Family Guy. Keep em' coming!

posted by  SmileLines

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.


Peter: Are you gonna eat that stapler?
TV Executive: You...can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?


peter: I've tried everything...painting..do I do I draw the penis Sculpting..do I do I sculp the penis... and conducting Do I do I conduct with my penis

posted by  salimander13

Peter (after Mel Gibson walks off a cliff):"Everybody knows that Catholics don't belive in gravity"

Another quote, not sure who said it or what celebrity he/she was talking about, but; "His career went down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night"

EDIT: Just remebered a few more-
Security Cop-Excuse me son, you're going to have to take those hams out from under your shirt.
Chris-What?
Cop-Lift up your shirt son
(Chris lifts his shirt)
Cop- Oh! It's just a fat kid! You're just a fatty aren't ya fatty fat-fat. Here have a candy bar.
Later in that episode-
Pool Guy- Excuse me sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter-Thats not a van, thats my son.
Pool Guy-Hey! It's just a fat kid

posted by  giant016

Meg- I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois- Don’t worry kids...I promise we can visit him once a month
Chris- We’ll be his period!!

Peter- Aww...things were going so good for me and Stewie, but now he hates me again. Brian what should I do to win him back?
Brian- That depends. Do you want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?
Peter- What's a hypotenuse?

:laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

Peter does MC Hammer:
(Just think of the tune of Can't touch this)

Juh Juh Just like the bad guy, from lethal weapon 2
I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you cant sue
I can write graffiti, even j-walk in the street
I can riot,loot, not give a hoot
And touch your sisters teet
CANT TOUCH ME! CANT TOUCH ME!

Stop! Peter time! I'm a big shot, theres no doubt
Light a fire, then pee it out
Dont like it, kiss my rump
Just for a minute lets all do the bump
CANT TOUCH ME YEA DO THE PETER GRIFFIN BUMP CANT TOUCH ME

I'm presidential Peter, interns think I'm hot
Dont care if your handicapped, I'll still park in your spot
I've been around the world, from Hartford to Bakbay
Its Peter go Peter I'm mac Peter yo Peter
Lets see Regis rap this way CANT TOUCH ME!

Except for you, you can touch me.

posted by  Mathew

LOL, yeah, that was another great moment. :thumbs:

posted by  elchango36

only one i can think of off the top of my head, from the movie:

Peter: People aren't bad people Brian, horses are bad people...
(cuts to a scene were an old lady takes a sip of tea, and then keels over dead. Then looks to the doorway of the room and a horse is peeking his head around the doorframe, chuckling to himself)

EDIT: thought of a few more

Stewie(said in a higher, whiny kind of voice, almost a squeak): So brian, hows that novel coming? hmm? you got a good plot? hmm? how about the antagonist, hmm? hmm? how much of it do you have done hmm? You gunna get it published hmm? hows it coming along then hmm?

Brian goes back to college, and attends a party were he sees his professor get into a fight with his wife, both of whom are quadripledics (cant use arms or legs and are in the wheel chairs and type to talk)
Random guy: dont worry about them, i hear they have great make up sex
(cuts to scene were the couple is on the bed making 'ohh' and 'ahh' noises with there voice thingys'
Wife: ohh, ohh, ohh
husband: ahh, ohh, ahh ahh
wife: oww, stop...your..hurting...me

posted by  ride3k

Most have already been said so:

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alphabets, it says 'Oooooooooo'
Brian: Peter, those aren't Alphabets, those are Cheerios.

posted by  car_crazy89

Actually, if I remember the episode right, that was Steven Hawking, but funny as hell :laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

Quagmire: Ive never done it with a spanish chick before, O-LAY!

posted by  infurnus

Oh yeah, almost forgot: Peanut butter jelly time!

posted by  giant016

peter: hmmmm firetrucks.....what colour are those red firetrucks?

or something like that

posted by  ahoo

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