Old jokes

Home  \  Off Topic  \  Old jokes

I'll start:

A man in Northern Ireland is bailed up by another man in a side street. A gun is held to his head and is asked by the assailant : "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

Thinking quickly the man replies, "I'm Jewish."

Looking to the heavens the gunman replies:" I have to be the luckiest Arab in Belfast!"

posted by  Wally

I got these from my grammpa a while back :wink2:

John walked out onto the porch of the nursing home to inform his old buddies he was leaving the next day. One asked why he was leaving. John said " because I'm getting married. I'm going to marry a 20 year old beautiful blond". One of the friends said " John, don't do that, all that sex could kill a person". John said " If she dies she dies".


A man walks into a bar in Brooklyn and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. The bartender says that their grasshoppers are very so the man orders one. Then he has another couple.
On the way home henotices a grasshopper on the ground. He says to the grasshopper "do you know that there is a drink named after you?" The grasshopper looks up at the man and says "do you mean they have a drink called Irving?"


A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender says, "No charge for you."


A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," replied Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


posted by  99integra

ok so I'm bored and have the time to type this i'll try to shorten it up.

There is this guy having a party with his wife on the beach and they ran out of escargo, the wife says go get some. The man goes down to the liquor store and sees a beautiful red head and he goes home with her and does some stuff. He wakes up the next morning and realizes what time it was he goes down to the store grabs a bucket, goes down to the beach scoops up some snails and runs home. Running up his front door steps he trips and all the snails go everywhere. The wife opens the door angrily and says where have you been. He looks down at the snails and goes come on guys were almost there. :laughing:

posted by  salimander13

I got one better,
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!!!!"

*** If you don't get it, here's a crappy illustration***
http://img506.imageshack.us/img506/9427/guybar5oo.th.png (http://img506.imageshack.us/my.php?image=guybar5oo.png)
As you can see I'm not the best artist in the world.

posted by  elchango36

A blonde was a little low on money, so she decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She went into this rich neighborhood, and went up to a house. She knocked at the door and a man answered the door. "May I help you?" "Yes I am a handyman, and I was wondering if you needed any work done around your yard." "As a matter of fact I do, I need my porch painted. How much will you charge?", the man asked. "How about $50?" the blonde said. "Okay, the paint, ladders, and everything else that you will need is in the shed." The blonde went to work.

The man went into his house and his wife said "Does she know that it is a wrap-around porch?" "She should, she was standing on it", the man replied. About 30 minutes later the blonde went up to the house. "Done already?" the man asked. "Yes and I had some extra paint, so I put two coats on." The blonde replied. "Great!" the man replied and handed her the $50. The blonde was walking to her car when she turned around and said "Oh, and by the way, it's a ferrari, not a porsche.

As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying he called
his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you
lisina to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember
"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like
guns, Grandpa. How about leaving me your Gold
Rolex Watch instead?"
"You lisinna to me, you somana bitch" responded
the Don. "Somma day you gonna be runna da
bussiness. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa
money, a big home and maybe a couple of
"Then onea day you goina comma home and maybe
finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta
you goina do then? Point to you watch and say,
'Times Up???"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------< br />
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles - it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me .... you also had smallcox!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------< br />
Mcdonalds Fast and Furious style

I live my life a quarter pounder at a time. And for those 500 calories or
more, I'm free
I need FRIIIIIIESSSSSS! 2 of them, the big ones. Oh, and I need them tonight!!


What's the retail on one of those?? More than you can afford pal, a 6
dollar burger!

You're lucky the double shot of bbq sauce didn't blow a seam on your nugget box!!!

There she is, 2 pounds of pure MickeyD's beef. My dad ate it in 9.9
seconds. There was so much special sauce, the juices actually dripped onto his chin coming off the line.
What's your time?
I haven't tasted her. She scares the crap outta me.

My grill topped out at 140 degrees, I need more charcoal, 2 bags, the big ones

So what're you eatin?! Oh you gonna make me look under the bun and find out?? You're brave.

It's not how you stand by your burger, it's how you EAT your burger.

Bull shi butt hole! no one likes the McTuna sandwhich around here!

You at you, your granny-biting, not chomping like you should!!!

Now me and Ronald McDonald here are gonna have to rip open the counter, and replace the ONION RINGS YOU ATE.

You know you owe me a 10 pack of nuggets.
ooh. Ouch!

Don't do it! I'll bet he's got at least a triple cheeseburger under that bun!

When you gonna give me a shot at that double quarter pounder of yours?

Torretto's got ketchup in his veins and an all beef patty for a brain.

They opened my bag. Disrespected my fries.

All becuase someone narked me out! AND YOU KNOW WHAT!! IT WAS RONALD!!!

I thought we had an understanding? You stay on your side of the play-place, I stay on mine.

Bryan - "Welcome to Mcdonald's, make I take your order?"
Hector - "Yeah, I made a list. I want 3 of everything."

Pop the bun.
Pop the bun?

No @#%$! A BKBroiler! This will decimate all...

that is one hell of a way to spend $.10

Bryan-He was in MY shake!
Dom - Now I'm in your shake!

All the descriptions were the same. 3 black angus beef patties,
precision-placed pickles, mushimoto mayonaisse.

I bet a couple of 1/2 pound patties would pull a premium three days before Taste Wars wouldn't they?

Check it out it's like this. If I lose, winner takes my happy meal. But If I win, I take the burger AND the TOY. To some people thats more important.

posted by  GreekWarrior

I dont get it... :screwy:

posted by  Zalight

He was out all night. Snails move real slow. Get it?

P.S. I didn't say it was funny.

posted by  vwhobo

LMFAO... :orglaugh:
THat's classic. Thanx Greek. It still bugs me when people who claim to love cars and be enthusiasts, can't proprely pronounce or spell Porsche correctly. :banghead:

posted by  elchango36

oh thats what I thought at first....but it was so not funny I thought I was wrong.

posted by  Zalight

damn all these jokes and mine gets criticized oh well just means I have to try harder to find a better one.

posted by  salimander13

lol, sorry man. you know I still love you :cool2:

posted by  Zalight

Cute :wink2: :laughing:

posted by  99integra

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base.

The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a
round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her "quick sister,
please hide me I don't want to be Drafted and the MP's are chasing me!" She
lifted up her skirts and said hide under my skirt.

The two policemen came By and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied "no".

After they left she told the young boy to come out all was OK He said you
have a nice set of legs for a nun! She replied if you reach up a little farther
you'll find a set of balls! I'm not going to be drafted either!

hows this am I redemed?

posted by  salimander13

:orglaugh: :orglaugh: :orglaugh: :orglaugh:
yeah I think so

posted by  jedimario


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle: "ME." :laughing:

posted by  97Talonchik

Your Message