Some more jokes for you guys

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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

************************************************** ******************************************

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

************************************************** ******************************************

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

************************************************** ******************************************

CONFESSION

>>

>> A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

>> Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

>> Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

>> The little boy says, "Dark in here."

>> The man says, "Yes it is."

>> Boy- "I have a baseball."

>> Man- "That's nice."

>> Boy- "Want to buy it?"

>> Man- "No, thanks."

>> Boy- "My dad's outside."

>> Man- "OK, how much?"

>> Boy- "$250."

>>

>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.

>> Boy- "Dark in here."

>> Man- "Yes, it is."

>> Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

>> Boy- "$750."

>> Man- "Fine."

>>

>> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's

>> go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

>> The boy says, "I can't..... I sold them."

>> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

>> The son says "$1,000."

>> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

>> That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

>> They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

>> The boy says, "Dark in here."

>> The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

************************************************** ******************************************

Nominated as the best short joke this year....

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Pi*s off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........ "Fu*k it, I could win this."

************************************************** ******************************************

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he

can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by

inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend

over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing

in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second

suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to

obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the

other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's

the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that,

he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

************************************************** ******************************************

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

>> He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to

>> say:

>> Red............cherry

>> Yellow........lemon

>> Green........lime

>> Orange.....orange

>> Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.

>>

>> After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.

>>

>> "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

>> One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God!

>> They're assholes!"

posted by  GreekWarrior

Those are actually pretty good.

posted by  fudge

:orglaugh: :orglaugh: :orglaugh: Good to start the day off with a laugh:orglaugh:

posted by  chris_knows

LOL....I never knew one of GW's threads could be so funny:clap:

posted by  Cliffy

:clap: :thumbs: :orglaugh: :orglaugh: Awesome jokes GW; now it's my turn.

Todd and Clancy were two gay lovers who just got done having a wild twenty minutes in bed when todd said he had to use the bathroom. Clancy tells him not to go in there and jerk it and he says ok. It's been a while and clancy begins to wonder whats going on in there so he calls todd's name. No answer so he gets up and walks to bathroom and opens the door. He looks in and the walls are covered with the white stuff. Clancy looks angered and says I told you not to jerk it. Todd says I didn't I farted.

What did the sign outside the whorehouse say? "Beat it were closed"

Kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseats cause kids.

Not really a joke but more of a pickup line.

"That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming too"

posted by  Spanky2324

^^^^^^ A bit disgusting but funny. :laughing:




"Kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseats cause kids."

^^^^ I love that, I'm making that my new bumper sticker. :orglaugh:

posted by  GreekWarrior

Cop - What don't you get about the phrase : "Don't Speed"?

Guy - The D, the O, the N and the T.

posted by  ahoo

Ok, this one really happend (well sorta)

Drunk guy falls asleep at the bar. Barkeep goes to wake him.

Barkeep: Hey buddy, how about I call you a cab?

Drunk: How about I call you a pussy?

posted by  elchango36

hahaha good way to stress relief before starting my hw very funny

posted by  salimander13

hahahah i like that one :laughing: :laughing:

posted by  mx3_monster

Its more like haha
I've used that ONE :hi:

posted by  Aondor

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... God!!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken
me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are
starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a
good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so
I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself.....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this........ Buy a ticket."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------< br />
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says,
"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,

"...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------< br />
A little boy walks into his parents' room and sees
his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her
son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She
dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees, and blows it right back up again."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------< br />
So a blonde boards a plane to Miami and immediately rocks up to first class.

Couple rocks up and says "Excuse me, but you're in our seats!"

Blonde "I don't think so!"

So, couple asks to check ticket, she shows it and couple calls stewardess.

Stewardess "Excuse me ma'am, but you're ticket is an economy ticket. Please go back to the seats in the rear according to your seat number. Thank you."

Blonde ignores her. So, stewardess calls supervisor and explains situation.

Supervisor "Excuse me ma'am, but you're in the wrong seat. Your seat's in the rear. Please move!"

Blonde ignores him. So, supervisor calls Captain and explains situation.

Captain "Don't worry, my wife's a blonde."

Captain walks up to the blonde, whispers something and immediately, blonde gets up and walks to the rear.

Both stewardess and supervisor were stunned. Supervisor goes up to Captain and asks "What did you tell her?"

Captain "Oh, I just told her that the first class is only going to Florida!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

posted by  GreekWarrior

haha classic but brilliant

posted by  salimander13

:orglaugh: :orglaugh: I liked the first joke there :orglaugh:

posted by  chris_knows

EDIT: Double post, stupid comp :ohcrap::oops:

posted by  chris_knows

That's a post whore club member's most used line. :laughing:

posted by  GreekWarrior

Right next to "Welcome to CarForums :thumbs:" :laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/985/0070yd.jpg

posted by  GreekWarrior

As gross as that is, :orglaugh:...wait, was I owned? :laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

No I was. :laughing:

damn that pic didn't show.....hang on. :mrgreen:

posted by  GreekWarrior

It showed, but I took out the IMG tags to reduce the size, and I try to look at men's asses as little as possible :laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

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