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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a
dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be
taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with
dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity,
thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.


~~~~~~~~~~


YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN:


The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV; you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

Your cat has its own psychiatrist.

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

When "the Dead" are best live.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and
a wetsuit for the beach.

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must" do lunch."

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: "no fruits."

All highways out of the state say: "Go back."
:laughing:

posted by  Bubba

:orglaugh: :orglaugh: It's funny 'cuz it's true :laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

hahah thats great i love the one bout california:laughing:

posted by  mx3_monster

come on is cali that bad?

posted by  Aondor

You Know You're From New York City When...



You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

The subway makes sense.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

You consider Westchester "upstate".

You think Central Park is "nature."

You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.

You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it?s a "steal."

You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

Your closet is filled with black clothes.

You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.

You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

You take fashion seriously.

Being truly alone makes you nervous.

You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.

You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

$50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

You don't notice sirens anymore.

You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

Your door has more than three locks.

Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.

You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.

There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown.

When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels.

You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.

You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.

You know what a bodega is.

You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.

Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....

You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas

Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from NYC.

:laughing:

posted by  mx3_monster

:orglaugh: :orglaugh: Any other ones? lol

posted by  chris_knows

Okay, now I'm dying to hear the "You know you're from Chicago" jokes.

posted by  elchango36

You Know You're From Chicago When...
You say "Wanna go with?" when you mean "Do you want to come with me?"

You know what Kennedy, Dan Ryan, Eisenhower, Edens, and Bishop Ford, have in common and curse one of them daily.

You know what "the Hillside strangler is."

You can name three or four extra taxes nobody else pays.

You know the difference between Richard J Daley and Richard M Daley.

You can use two or three Daleyisms in context.

You can imitate the Mayor's whine.

You say Chicawgo and not Chicaago.

You think going to a Bears game in single digit temperatures with a wind off the lake (and freezing rain) is fun.

Da is a proper definite article.

You expect corruption in local politics.

You go to the Dells in the summer to get away from the other 20 thousand that followed you.

You've been caught speeding in Wisconsin because you had Illinois plates.

You guard your shoveled parking space with an old chair and unusable broom.

You know why they call it "the Windy City."

You know dead people who voted.

You understand the Democratic machine and don't fight against it.

You've never ever considered the idea of hiring non-union laborers.

You've never been to Springfield.

You know a good gyros joint.

You know what Giordanos, Lou Malnati's, and Gino's have in common.

You know when the last time the Cubs won a pennant.

You know exactly how many cars are "legally" allowed to turn left after the light turns red.

You don't know which ethnic "fest" to choose on any given Summer weekend.

Your idea of relaxing and getting away from it all is Ravinia (with 10,000 others who have the same idea).

You can recite many of "The Blues Brothers" lines and know where they filmed certain scenes.

You consider paying someone to watch your car at a sporting event as just another "city tax."

The "Living Room" is called the "front room"

You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do

You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away

You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois"

You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake"

You refer to Chicago as "The City"

"The Super Bowl" refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986

You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers!

You buy "The Trib"

You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car!

You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog

You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is

You understand what "lake-effect" means

You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. You have ridden the "L"

You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815

You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a side" example:"WEST SIDE", "SOUTH SIDE" or "NORTHSIDE."

You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet!

You wear gym shoes, not sneakers.

Your favorite melody to hum is "Bang,Bang,Bang-Skeet,Skeet,Skeet!!!!"

You faithfully attended Lil Louis parties at The Bismarck.

You GOT to have spaghetti at your barbecue.

You are STILL a Bulls fan........

You think kicking it outside of White Castles parking lot, (79th and Stony Island) is the "Freak Nik"

You go to Harold`s and order 4 pc wing, mild sauce, salt and pepper.

You have a picture of Harold Washington in your kitchen, living room, family room or basement.

You have ever waited in line at Home of the Hoagy on 111th for 30-45 minutes for a steak samich wit cheese

You have ever been to the Tiki Room lounge in Hyde Park

You have Y made a special trip downtown because you had a craving for Garrett's caramel and cheese popcorn.

What!!! We don`t get a Fifty? Oh yeah....

You drink at bars called "Bud on Tap" or "Milwaukee's Best" -- no names, just beer signs out front.

It's January and you see someone's kitchen chair in the street, and you know that if you're a responsible citizen and bring it back to the sidewalk you will be shot on sight

You live two miles from work and it takes you two hours to drive there

You don't flinch when you pay the fifth toll of your 45-minute car ride on the highway

When you read a big story in the paper about mob ties in the city government, your first reaction is "So, tell me something I don't know."

You know Lincoln Towing is Satan incarnate.

You've paid $105 for towing, $30 for more than one "street cleaning" ticket, $58 for a city vehicle sticker, and $70 for a license plate sticker -- and chalk it all up to "neighborhood taxes."

You pluralize grocery stores and retail chains: "I'm going to Jewels"; "I bought it at Targets"; "I couldn't find parking at Wal-Marts"

You've cursed at a cyclist, pedestrian, or in-line skater on the lakefront path.

You know the significance of State and Madison.

You wonder if the fries will taste the same at Sammy Sosa's Restaurant.

You don't miss Planet Hollywood.

You're not ashamed of wearing a big fur Russian hat, or a headsock with one hole in it, in public from November through March.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Chicago.

posted by  Bubba

ROFLMAO :orglaugh:

ITS ALL TRUE!!!!

posted by  elchango36

wow, the cali one needs some updating...

fastest speed you go is on your driveway? are you saying there is traffic in cali? maybe in la, but thats about it... lol, i complain when a 15 minutes drive becomes 20

posted by  ride3k

yeah the california one's been sitting on my computer since around '96 lol...:laughing:

posted by  Bubba

Where are you getting these? Can you pull down one for DC?

posted by  boothe

You Know You're From Washington DC When...

You say you're from DC, but you actually live in VA or MD but are too tired to explain where.

You don't consider exploding man hole covers to be an unusual occurrence.

You know where the Pentagon really is but never bother to correct anyone about its location.

When it takes you 45 minutes to drive 3 miles on I-66, 95, 395, 495, 50, 123, 29, or 270, it's a pretty good day.

There are at least fifteen ways to get everywhere and you know which way to go based on the weather, time of day, current political climate, terrorism road closures, and whether you are coming or going.

You pay more money in parking tickets in a year than you do in medical bills, college costs and rent combined.

You know that driving through Georgetown, you will hear the music of the car next to you louder than you can hear your own.

"I got stuck behind a motorcade" is a common and real excuse for being late.

"Finding a parking space" actually becomes an appointment on your calendar. (E.g.. 7:00-8:00 Gym, 8:30-9:00PM - find a parking space, 9:00-10:30PM - Dinner reservations.)

You've never once been to Wal-Mart and don't even know if there is one.

When you say you're going to the mall and you don't mean shopping.

You never refer to the 'Metro' as the 'subway'.

You elbow tourists out of the way on the Metro escalators to "gently" emind them to WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT.

Going to work early means being there by 9:00AM.

You don't bat an eye at 500 politicians and businessmen in suits running like their lives depended on it just to catch a Metro that will be followed by another in 90 seconds.

You call it Targ�t, not Target, and are well aware that the one in Alexandria is just a "tad different".

When Washington National Airport is and will always be "WASHINGTON NATIONAL", not "Reagan National".

You can tell by people's cars where they live and maybe even what neighborhood.

You've claimed that there's nothing to do on a weekend night even when you have the entire nation's capitol to explore.

You have the Metro map memorized, yet act like you don't know when someone asks you how to get to Metro Center.

You meet someone else who says they're from the DC area and you realize they live two hours away from you.

You notice that there's been construction on the same stretch of highway for the past 5 years and you've never see anyone working on it.

You know you've crossed into Northern Virginia, without ever seeing a sign, only because your speedometer goes from 60 to 0.

You know that Vietnam is no longer in the South Pacific, it's now been re-located to Seven Corners.

The few times you have gotten lost in DC you have somehow ALWAYS ended up in Anacostia and every road out somehow leads back to Anacostia.

You realize that I-395 is Northern Virginia's version of NASCAR.

There is no such thing as North, South, East, or West on the beltway, it's just go "that" way!(Inner circle / outer circle)

You go anywhere on the Eastern Shore, Rehoboth, Dewey, Ocean City, Skyline Drive, or the Outer Banks for vacation and everyone you meet is from DC

Snow means rain to you

Ice on the roads just means that you pay more attention to other cars, but still go 75 mph on the highways

You can see the national cathedral from almost anywhere

You know at least 2 rowers

You know that Georgetown is NOT only a school

You consider Northern VA to be in no way similar to southern VA

You know which bridges to cross to get to Maryland or VA

You actually know goes on in Dupont circle

You can't go to Tysons Mall without seeing someone you know!!

You have a few friends who don't know what their parents do...It's Top Secret government work.

People don't ask you if Chevy Chase is named after the actor.

You can harmonize perfectly with the alert for "Doors Closing" on the Metro

50% of your senior class went to Mason, JMU, Tech, VCU or UVA

clicky (http://www.google.com/search?q=You+know+you%27re+from&start=0&start=0&ie=u tf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official) first result

posted by  Bubba

You know you're from Ontario when...

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

"Vacation" means going to Barrie/area for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You use a down comforter in the summer.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

You have enough French vocabulary to get by some of the day in Ottawa without them thinking that you're a completly incapable American.




You Know You're From Canada When...

You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.

You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a touque is.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan."

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"

Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.

There's German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.

You call a "mouse" a "moose".

You like the Americans a little because they don't want Quebec either.

Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.

Everything is labelled in English and French.

Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

Mountain Dew has no caffeine.

posted by  car_crazy89

^^^ Actually that is pretty true :laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

Thanx bubba... good simple fun.

posted by  boothe

You Know You're From Oklahoma When...
You say ya'll ... many times a day.

Bedlam is a BIG deal.

You can tell when it's tornado weather.

When you drive through a neighborhood anyone out walking will smile and wave at you.

You've worn flip flops in the winter

You have stopped to let a family of deer cross the road.

You thought the twister ride at Universal Studios wasn't windy enough.

You know who your neighbors are, how many children they have, and when one of them gets married or graduates.

There are at least 2 to 3 Sonics, McDonalds, and Little Ceasars in your town

You've been off roading - many times

You or someone you know was born, raised and still lives in the same town.

You know that Miami, Oklahoma and Miami, Florida are pronounced two different ways.

You plan events around football games.

You are a Cowboy or Sooners fan.

You learned how to do country and western dances at school.

A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah and Chickasha.

You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration, and he didn't mean farm animals.

You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

You think that people who complain about the wind in other states are sissies.

It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

It doesn't seem odd to see the term "chicken fried chicken" on a menu.

You save all your life for your dream vacation, and use it to go to the OU/Texas game.

It doesn't seem peculiar if your sweetie says "I'm going in to town for something" even though you live in town.

You don't turn on the news until 20 minutes past the hour, because that's the only thing you care about anyway.

Your quarterback is hurt and it is the top story on the six o'clock news.

You keep track of the grain and hog futures on the radio.

You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.

You go to the State Fair for your only vacation.

You get up at 5:30 A.M. and go to the coffee shop, where the waitress never asks what you would like. She already knows.

You are on a first name basis with the county sheriff.

You know what the "Sea of Red and White" is.

You think that using the elevator involves a corn truck.

You can drive 80 mph on a two-lane dirt road with one hand, but driving 45 mph on a four-lane expressway in a city scares you to death.

You use manure on your grass instead of Weed and Feed.

Your nearest neighbor is in the next zip code.

You know the difference between fee corn and sweet corn... while it's still on the stalk.

You wear cowboy boots to church.

You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

"You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

You know what "Orange Power" and "Crimson & Cream" means.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Oklahoma.

posted by  davsmitty

You Know You're From Wisconsin When...
You can taste a difference in cheese made somewhere else

You own at least one tie with a or peice of jewelry with a Green Bay Packer theme

You can find and pronounce : Eau Claire, Oconomowoc, Menomonee Falls, Waukesha, and La Crosse, Fond du Lac.

You can correctly spell Milwaukee.

You know what "bubbler" means.

At least one of your family members works / worked in a cheese factory.

A holstein cow outside of Wisconsin makes you miss home.

You can taste the difference between apples grown up north and the ones that you can buy in the south.

When talking about the Green Bay Packers you refer to them as "we".

When the weather hits 0 degrees you decide that maybe it's time to get out a jacket instead of a sweatshirt.

The family gets together every week for fish fry at the local pub.

You know what a brat is, and they're at every outdoor event that your family has ever had.

You know how to make a very good sled out of normal household items.

Your love you outdoor pool because of how it doubles as an ice skating area during the winter.

You can tell the difference between the smell of cow manure and pig manure.

You have watched Fargo and not noticed an accent.

You drive around with the air conditioning on until it hits 30 degrees, because it just was so darn hot outside.

The local paper needs 6 pages to cover the Packers... in July!

Your best shirt has a big letter G on it.

You've said "Of course they'll win. They're God's team."

You think it's nice enough to swim when the temperature hits 50.

You family owns a "winter car" while the "good one" sits in the garage from Nov-Apr.

Your put ketchup on a charcoal grilled NY strip steak.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.

You think everyone from south of Madison has an accent.

You can identify a Michigan accent.

Down South to you means Chicago.

Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.

You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and "Trivers".

You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August.

You consider Madison exotic.

You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon.

You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.

You buy cat litter every winter, but you don't own a cat.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant or cannery.

You know what to do with a Blatz.

You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Bucky the Badger hangs on your Christmas tree even if you didn't go to University of Wisconsinm Madison.

You're a member of the Polar Bear Club and proud of it.

You can use the word "ya der hey" easily in a sentence

You hear someone use the words "uff-dah" and you don't immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.

You know how to polka

You own a cheesehead

You have cow pharaphenilia around your house, including your pajama pants

You know what a FIB is and can spot them a mile away.

You think of the major four food groups as cheese, beer, brats and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

FFA was the most popular club in high school

You have eaten a cow pie at the State Fair.

There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning

Country Kitchen is the place to meet after the party

You have ever seen or played in a "broom ball" game.

You have ever partied at Summerfest, Festa Italiana, German Fest, Irish Fest, Oktoberfest, or all of the above.

You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair.

You can't be friends with a Vikings fan

Your idea of diversity is having black, white, and brown cows.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Wisconsin.

posted by  mx3_monster

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. They call 911 and the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his doctor meets him and checks him out. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put a splint on it to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to
his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. that night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal herself. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "You think that's something? Look at this.............still in the CRATE

posted by  adamc44

any "you know your in newfoundland" jokes just piss me off, Icant find any good ones that have nothing to do with fishing:laughing:

posted by  nighthawk

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