New company policies

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Anyways, my mom brought home this paper as a joke. Here is how it goes

New Company Policies:

New company policies

Dress Codes:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada Shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially, and therefore do not need a raise

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every efford should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work though your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is not a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After yuor second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced mean, to maintain their average figure

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggrivations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company and have a nice day :-)

posted by  newyorker

the toilet bit might work:laughing:

posted by  True_Brit

I'd make a funny face if a camera was about to take a picture of me on the crapper :laughing:

posted by  chris_knows

im sure i wouldnt be smiling on the trumpet so im mentally o.k

posted by  True_Brit

LOL, that was funny.

posted by  elchango36

I would....but then, I'm insane...:tard:

posted by  Cliffy

There is a difference between being insane and retarded

yay i got it right!!! dee dee dee!!!

posted by  newyorker

Iused that smillie as it was as close to insane as I found! :laughing:

Congrats on spelling retarded correctly, too! :tard: :laughing:

posted by  Cliffy


posted by  newyorker

posted by  True_Brit

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