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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says,
"Me feet are fookin freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me fooken slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of
them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decide to
stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them
thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a
card stuck
between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you

posted by  True_Brit

:orglaugh: :orglaugh: :orglaugh:

posted by  chris_knows

i got some good ones

whats a pirates favorite gas station? arrrrggghhco (arco)
whats a pirates favorite super mart? wallmarrrrggghhht

arent those great?!?

lol, but seriously
what do you feed a gay horse? haaaeeeeyyyyyyyyy

posted by  mazda6man

the last ones a good one!
we dont have arco here in england! arco is a construction clothesware store:laughing:

what stands beside your bed and takes the piss out of you???

a kidney pump!

posted by  True_Brit

There's a snail who walks really slow.
He goes to the car dealership to buy a car. The type of car he gets is called an S-Car.
I'm driving down the highway and see him pass me, so I go, "Look at that S-Car go (Escargot lol)."

Steven Spielberg, Sylvester Stallone and Tom Cruise are flying to the Amazon to shoot a movie. Their plane crashes in the jungle and they come across a tribe of cannibals. The tribe leader says, "We will not eat you if you go into the jungle and bring back the most delicious fruit I have ever had."
Steven finds some grapes. They're the best grapes he's ever had. He takes them to the leader, and he spits them out and says, "These are the worst grapes I have ever had. Just for that, we will stuff these in your ear and then eat you."
Tom Cruise comes back next with apples. The tribe leader says, "These are no good, so we will shove these up your butt and then eat you."
Tom bursts out laughing uncontrollably.
Spielberg looks at him and asks, "What's so funny?"
Tom says, "Sylvester Stallone's coming back with watermelons!"

posted by  chris_knows

whoops, double post!

posted by  True_Brit

an english soldier, an irish soldier and a scottish soldier are in their army
land rover in the middle of the desert when the land rover breaks down!
they all get out and they wonder what to do!
the english man says "you two walk, 1 goes east, one goes west,ill stay, someone is bound to find us here" ok said the other two!
the scottish soldier said, "ill go east, ill walk at night and take the water!"
so what are you going to do? (directed at the irish man)
"ill take the door" said the irish soldier "WHY?" said the others, "so when it gets hot, ill wind the window down!!!"

posted by  True_Brit

Somebody has to make lawyer jokes.

God is sitting and reading a newspaper when an angel comes in. "God," he says, "There are important matters to discuss. The Hell-Heaven highway has been neglected for several millenia now, and it's pretty much shot to hell. Our ledgers show that Satan hasn't contributed a cent to it's upkeep since, well, the beginning of time."
"Right," said God. And he sat down and wrote Satan an e-mail.

Satan Baby,
It has come to our attention that the highway connecting our respective kingdoms is in an advanced state of deterioration, and also that you have forgotten to pay your monetary dues towards it's upkeep. We assume this was an unintentional oversight, and shall expect the money shortly.

In a moment he recieved an email back.

Nuts to you and to your bloody bridge. I won't pay a cent.
Sincerely, Satan.

God, fuming, sat down and wrote this response.

Satan, if you don't pay up, I shall be forced to take legal action. I will sue you until your eyeballs bubble and you don't have a scrap of hellfire to keep you warm at night.

There was a long pause, and then this message came back.

Where in heaven do you think you're going to find a lawyer?
Sincerely, Satan.

posted by  smallangryneon

F*cking black-and-tan.

posted by  smallangryneon


posted by  True_Brit

We've got lawyer jokes, but no blonde jokes? lol

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

posted by  chris_knows

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

posted by  Wally

Bloody brit bastard. Your mother was a donkey. :laughing:

posted by  smallangryneon

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