Jokes

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I'm really bored. Anyone have any good jokes?

posted by  ferrarichika

these aren't good. but oh well.

heres a short one:
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windsheild
A: His Butt 8)

Here's a kind-of long one and its pretty inapropriate just to let ya know ;)
Okay there are three women, a blond, a brunette, and a red head. And neither of them live very far from an adult toy store. There are only two people workin at the store right now. the manager and a brand new clerk. the manager tells the clerk if he can handle the store for a while so he can go to a meeting. the clerk says he can and as the manager is leaving the redhead walks in and asks how much the black dildos cost. the clerk says the large ones are $35, the medium sized ones are $25, and the samlls are $20. The redhead takes a medium and leaves. a little while later the brunette walks in and asks how much a white one costs. They are the same prices as the black ones so she takes a large and leaves. A little while later the blond walks in and asks if they have any vintage ones made out of wood because she has every other kind there are. The clerk says she doesn’t and tells her to look around o she if she can find one she likes. After a minute or two of lookin throughout the store she sees a plaid one and asks how much I costs. The clerk says its very expensive and tells her it costs $185. She buys it and leaves. a little while later the manager comes back and asks what he sold. The clerk said he sold a medium and a large dildo. Then he says that he sold the managers thermos for $185.

Whooh! That was too much typing. I might post more jokes later but I don’t wanna type anymore.

Wait no heres one more...
Q: whats invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Rabbit farts

posted by  ChevySuxD0ng

Did you hear about the thieves who stole a shipment of viagra? The cops are lookin for a bunch of hardened criminals.

Q: What does disney land and viagra have in common?
A: You have to wait and hour for a 3 minute ride.

Q: What do you get when you eat beans and viagra?
A: A stiff wind

Q: Why do farts stink?
A: So blind people can enjoy them too!

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should have been more specific.

I like to fall behind early so I have more time to catch up!

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half!
Good, I'll take two of them.

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Twenty-four hours a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

What did the doe say when she got out of the woods?
Boy, I'll never do that again for two bucks.

If the black box survives the plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Did you know that half of all people are below average?

If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?
I'd chose the one who's living

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Pants

What do you get when you eat onions and beans?
Tear gas.

Well... I think thats enough for now lol

posted by  ChevySuxD0ng

well. i guess nobody has any jokes... i know most of mine are pretty stupid... oh well. anyways if you like to laugh go to www.funnyjunk.com they don't really have jokes persay, it's more just funny pics and hilarious flash vids. (be sure to check out History of the F' Word it's great...

posted by  ChevySuxD0ng

Here's one that's very innapropriate:
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?


You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork. 8O

posted by  slavboy1

heres a France joke...

Given the worldly state of affairs..........

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on which to operate.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded,"

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable." :D :D

posted by  SuperJew

Three drug addicts went into a back alley to shoot up. The black addict sterilized his needle, swabbed it with alcohol, and shot up. Then he passed it to the Jewish junkie, who sterilized it, swabbed it with alcohol, and shot up. Then he passed it to the Polish addict, who stuck the needle right in his arm.

"Are you crazy, man?" screamed the first two. "Haven't you heard of AIDS" You could get sick, man, and die."

"Don't be ridiculous," said the Pole in a lofty tone. "I'm wearing a condom."

posted by  vwhobo

Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin. They were "philosophizing" on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Boudreaux said, "I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a 'tought', because before you ken tink of it it's already tought."

Thibodeaux said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is a 'blink' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk already."

Alfonse said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de lectricity travels fass-fass and the lights come on before you know it."

T-Boy said,"Ya'll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld is diarrhea."

Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?"

T-Boy said, "Yea, lass night before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights, I don shit ma pants."

posted by  vwhobo

3 guys are walking on a country road looking for a place to stay. After hours of walking, they see the most beutiful girl they have ever seen, sunbathing in the front of a farm house. They had found their lodging for the evening.

The 3 guys rang the doorbell, and the farmer answered the door. The 3 guys explained they were looking for a place to stay. Hastefully, the farmer agreed, but added some restrictions...
"You guys are not to look at my daughter, talk to my daughter, or even so much as think about my daughter."

Bummed, the guys agreed.

When the farmer woke in the morning for his chores, he went to check on his daughter. She had been murdered in her bed while she slept.

Horrified, the farmer grabbed his shot gun, and busted into the room where the 3 guys were staying. He screamed at them....

"I can either shoot you, or you guys can go outside and pick your favorite fruit or vegitable..."

The 3 guys got up at once and ran out into the field to find their favorite fruit or veggie.

2 of them returned shortly there after.

The farmer continued/
"I can either shoot you, or you can stick those veggies of those up your ass!"

The 2 of them followed the instructions of the farmer. They began to cry because of the pain. But then they began to laugh...

the farmer shocked, began to yell at the guys...
"I can either shoot you, or you can tell me what's so funny!"

Still laughing, the 2 replied...
"Its our friend... he's out picking a watermelon!"

posted by  SuperJew

redneck friends dont let friends drive drunk...

they get drunk and drive with 'em

posted by  theunbelivaBULL

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodiles’ mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodiles’ open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". (Was she blonde?)
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posted by  RHG

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