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Old 12-21-2005, 04:31 PM   #1
jcutsh
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136 MPH Ticket

I was shooting pool in my favorite “Beer Joint”, (that’s what we Americans call a pub). About $27 dollars later, I decided my pool cue had received enough exercise for the day and headed for home. My wife and I had a very important meeting at 9 o’clock called supper.

As, I pulled out of the parking lot, I reached up and unsnapped the two little catches above the windshield (that’s what we Americans call that clear glass thing on the front of a car, we sometimes glance out of, we mainly just use it for insect population control though). As the top landed with a little soft thud behind me, I crammed a Styx cd into the dash, jammed a few gears and pulled onto I-35, headed for home.

The night was beautiful, about 76̊, big beautiful moon, and that smell of Honeysuckle hanging on the wind, while the stars were just to many to count. The brand new x rated tires, just put on that day, were sliding smoothly down the payment. The month old, Stage IV turbo was making this sweet little purring sound under the hood, while the camero Flowmaster Duel outlet muffler, (which I use to lower back pressure and get that duel exhaust look) was making that low growl I love so well. Time to turn off the cd and listen to the real world. Whump, purr, growl.........

Coming out of that last turn in Moore, Oklahoma, I-35 opens up into about five beautiful, divided, straight miles, all freshly asphalted with new paint. There is not a car in site. Now I don’t understand this. I-35 is always full at this time of day. I-35 is always full, just like a Walmart parking lot, when they have their “trailer park accessories sale”.

I don’t know why, but that night a strange feeling came over me as I came out of that turn. It was a feeling I had never felt before in my life. It must have been due to all those beers I bought those pool players. Or, maybe I was thinking about supper. Maybe, I just had to pee. Nah, I heard that damn turbo whisper in my ear, “spool me up fool, you know you want to.”

As I came out of that turn at sixty mph, it suddenly happened. Slap, stomp, click, slap stomp errrrrrrrrrrr . The little car growned as it came awake and the seat creaked as it had to made room for more of my butt, my back compressed all that foam rubber behind me and my head hit the head rest at the top of the seat. (Make a mental note to self: next time, tighten up neck muscles just a little bit, it will make you look cool). Now I was thinking, Wow, I got rubber in third great, wahoooooo, ut-oh, rev limit 7200 at 93mph. Slap, stomp, click, slap stomp errrrrrrrrrrr. Got to pay attention, this thing is climbing fast , wow 119 at 7190, just caught that RL. Slap, stomp, click, slap stomp errrrrrrrrrrr. Ok, 125, 130, 135, 138, 139, 138,139. Wow, I got myself a little rocket here, don’t I? Ok time to back out. As I backed off the gas, voommff, the big blowoff valve starts to raise cane and developed a slight flutter sound. Gee, I got to set that thing, I’m thinking.

As I settle back to 70 or so, I’m thinking ok, let’s go back to Moore and do this stuff again, I can always heat up supper.

Whooooo—ooooooo–woooooooo-ooooooo


Now being the good veteran that I am, and having fought in the big V-war.
I am thinking: Air-raid

When I look in the rearview mirror I just knew, that damn airplane was going to strafe me. At the height of my fear, I did the only thing I knew to do, and that was to escape that airplane. Slap, stomp, click, slap stomp errrrrrrrrrrr. I grabbed fourth gear and the big turbo screamed and the little Miata jumped about 20 car lengths out in front of that Air----.

That’s when I noticed there was a police car at my same altitude. Suddenly, my mind was clear-as-a-bell. I did the only thing I knew to do. I headed to the right shoulder and slammed on the brakes.

Now there is a law in physics, that states: “It takes longer to stop a big heavy car from 100mph then it does a little car from that same speed.” I had totally forgotten this principle at this particular moment in my life. Police cars must be really really heavy. I could tell this police officer was not to pleased about losing the stopping contest, as he slide sideways by me shaking his fist and screaming something. Poor sport.

As I watched his headlights, tail lights, headlights, tail lights, headlights, tail lights fade into the distance, it dawned on me he was just trying to tell me to go on home cause he had better things to do. So I did.

Now, I am not a stupid man, so I figured that for the rest of the night, I had better follow all of the traffic laws, at least the ones I know about, all of the rest of the way home. I mean, that nice officer had let me go, so it was a little something I wanted to do in his honor.

As I pulled off I-35, I rolled up to the “Dreaded Wed Light That is Always Wed” (it was named by some old Chinese guy, every city has one).

Suddenly the world is full of police cars and lights and big guys with guns, and their all pointing at me. Then I saw him, it was the officer I beat in the stopping contest.

As he walked up to the side of my car he was laughing and grinning , and I’m thinking , this is going to be ok. Then he spoke.

Po: “Ha-ha-ha, your not a girl, what are you doing in a girly car? Ha-ha, would you please let me have your drivers license, registration, insurance, and any paperwork that says you are a doctor on the way to the hospital to perform an important life saving operation?”

Me: “I am not a doctor on the way to the hospital, and it’s not a girly car,” I said, handing him my paperwork.

Po: “Ha-ha-ha-ha, He’s not a doctor” (other officers break out in laughter, as they slowly put away their guns.) “ Well let me see, Mr Smith, Are you a member of the CIA or the FBI?”

Me: “No.”

Po: “Mr. Smith, are you a member of the state legislature or an attorney? Ha-ha-ha.”
(Now squeals of laughter and tears are starting to appear on the other officers faces)


Me: “No, I am not, Sir.”

Po: “Are you telling me you are just an average guy driving around in a girly car, and breaking the speed limit? Ha-ha-ha, Have you been drinking today Mr. Smith?”

Me: “It’s not a girly car, and I haven’t been drinking.”
(Two cops fall to the ground and roll with laughter.)

Po: “Is that pool chalk and beer I smell, Mr. Smith?”

Now every guy should have a few lies stored up for very special occasions, such as this one. Now these are lies you have worked hard at to perfect. Me, I jump in front of the mirror, late at night, alone, and practice my vocal abilities and facial expressions. Then I write a few lies and excuses before going to bed, and learn them by heart. Now I have excuses for being late, excuses for missing appointments, excuses for spending to much money, and excuses for talking to other woman. You get the point. Every man has to figure his own excuse list to fit his lifestyle. I had this one, filed under excuses and reasons for dui.


Me: “No officer, I am a science teacher and I had those precious little children use alcohol to clean up the lab today, and then I wrote the kids homework on the blackboard with chalk.
(See how easy it is when you practice)

Po: “ Well now Mr Smith, Just how much alcohol did those precious little children use to clean out the inside of your mouth”

(Now in the background, there is a burst of applause, laughing, and hooting coming from all those police officers gathered around watching their hero in action. I felt this shiver down the back of my spine, and I realize that I haven’t made up a part b to this particular lie yet, so I decided to do the next best thing. The stare. Now stares are just as important as lies, you just got to practice, practice and practice. This one I called “The Stare of Incredulous Disbelief”. I cranked it up and threw it at him.)

Po: “Mr. Smith, I can tell by the look on your face that you are one of those guys that believes in being prepared and you practice a lot. Would you step out of the car please and follow me.”

(Lots more hoots, claps and whistles from the police cheering squad. These guys are dancing and hollering like a bunch of cowboy cheerleaders.)

Po: “Mr. Smith, would you have a seat in my vehicle, please, and roll down those windows so my boys can hear every word you say.”


I climbed into the car and opened both windows. As the Police Officer entered the car on the other side, faces and elbows filled the windows on both sides of the car.

Po: “Now Mr. Smith, I stopped you tonight because you were driving a girly car 136mph on my highway, but I think you have been drinking so I want you to take a breath analyzer test. I want you to blow on this tube long and hard until you hear a beep sound.”

Now I have never been good at blowing things. God knows, my big brother tried to teach me how to blow some things when I was really young. I just had no aptitude for blowing. I’m a licker.

Me: “I’m not to good at blowing things, don’t you have something I can lick?”

(Several of the other officers busted out laughing. I didn’t see what was so damn funny.)

Po: “No, that hasn’t been invented yet. Just go ahead and blow while I check and see how many people you have maimed, killed, or robbed in you lifetime.”
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Old 12-21-2005, 04:32 PM   #2
jcutsh
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Part 2

As he starts punching keys on his keyboard, I grab the tube and after fighting my fear of blowing I place the tube to my lips and commence. Suddenly the car becomes very quite. All that can be heard is key clicking and blowing. Soon enough time goes by to watch all of those “Suddenly Susan” reruns. Beeeep breaks the silence.

Po. “Let’s see Mr. Smith, it looks like you blew a .03, damn. (Moans and groans filled the car windows) I was looking forward to riding with you downtown, booking you in, and introducing you to some of my felons I keep for special occasions like these.”

Now all I can think about is how much I owe those pool playing guys that kept me from winning and drinking to much beer. (Snap, crackel, pop.... the radio comes to life.)

Radio: “Hay Ray, do you want go get some donuts?”

As the police office picks up the mike and starts to speak, I’m thinking this guy’s name is Ray. (You can learn a lot in life just by using proven observation techniques like listening.)

Po: “No, man, I got a 217 running a 407, with a 136 at 1041 plus 51 times 1673"

Radio” “ Damn, 136 miles an hour. What is he driving, a Porsche or a Mercedes?”

Po. “ Na, he’s driving a Miata”

Radio: “Damn, That’s a girls car.”

Po. “ Yea, we tried to tell him.”

Radio: “ What is you 1020, Ray?”

Po: “We setting under the “Dreaded Wed Light That is Always Wed”

Radio: “Ok, I’ll be right there I got to see this.”

Now I’m thinking I don’t need to be sitting around waiting for more spectators to show up.

Me: “Isn’t there any way to speed up this process, so I can go?”

Po: “Now Mr. Smith, just think about all that time you saved out of your busy day, when you were running 136 miles an hour on my street. Why, you are ahead of the game. I figure you saved about two light years off your day and this is only going to use up one.”

Suddenly the screen lights up on the dashboard and starts ticking.

Po: “Well boys, it looks like Mr. Smith here doesn’t have any arrests or warrants.”

(A moan goes up from the audience.)

Po: “ Well Mr. Smith, sign this $1750 ticket and you can be on your way.”

Me: “ Thank you very much”

Po: “Oh , Mr. Smith, we’re going to have a big party tonight at the FOP, and since you’re the reason, how would you like to bring the family and join us?”

Me: “No thanks.”

As I climbed into my Miata, another cop car slid to a stop under the “Dreaded Wed Light That is Always Wed.” All the cops were shouting and waving goodbye as I pulled away, I waved back.

Ten minuets later, I turned onto the street I live on, only 2 miles away from home. All of a sudden I remembered, I was late for supper. Slap, stomp, click, slap stomp errrrrrrrrrrr
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Old 12-21-2005, 05:30 PM   #3
theman352001
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Thanks for the read.

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Old 12-21-2005, 05:37 PM   #4
AugB.
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Very amusing story indeed. Story-book conversations as well, don't know if you edited the story a bit for a more interesting read. And a $1700+ ticket? Where do you live??
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Old 12-21-2005, 06:01 PM   #5
ride3k
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aww, your just not good with cops..

my dad got a felony ticket bumped down to jus the max speeding, he was going 150 sumthing on an OFFRAMP i wish i was in the car with him...
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Old 12-21-2005, 06:10 PM   #6
jcutsh
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The only thing true about this story is, I did get a ticket for 136 mph. It did cost $1750. It was not funny.

I just like to start the day with a good laugh and a smile. Something we need more of here on CF.

When your so serious about your car, that you can’t laugh a little about it, it’s time to pour on a little gasoline and burn it down.

I live in Sooner Land, Norman, OK.

Pour some smiles on somebody today.
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Old 12-21-2005, 07:04 PM   #7
PontiacFan27
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What a bullshit sounding story
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Old 12-21-2005, 07:22 PM   #8
vwhobo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PontiacFan27
What a bullshit sounding story
No more unbelievable than this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PontiacFan27
If they were clogged you wouldn't be getting full pressure. I have them figured out just fine, thanks.
.....
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Old 12-21-2005, 07:56 PM   #9
theman352001
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jcutsh
The only thing true about this story is,.,....
So you were not actually driving a girly car then?

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Old 12-21-2005, 08:01 PM   #10
black_plague
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i thought that was a pretty funny story....good story
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Old 12-21-2005, 08:03 PM   #11
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Haha that was a great story, I love taking the time out to read those kinda things. Even though it wasn't ALL true, it was worth reading. It's too bad about your ticket though. Hope to maybe see more stories in the future from you. Thanks for the laugh
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Old 12-21-2005, 09:06 PM   #12
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hahaha great story, your better than half the writers I know. Just make sure you copy the next long post you send like this or else it might freeze and you can lose it all.
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Old 12-21-2005, 09:21 PM   #13
jcutsh
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It's not a girly car... lol
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Old 12-21-2005, 10:38 PM   #14
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Great story...$1,750?? I'd have to commit murder there

Bet you won't be doing that again
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Old 12-21-2005, 11:01 PM   #15
dodgerforlife
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OUCH.....that really blows, but on the other hand, great read! glad to see you are still alive and kicking....

I got 121$ for doing 110km/h in a 50....heh.
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