Dear Mr. FUV driver:
Please accept my apologies for not letting you merge into my lane this morning after you tried to get around a line of cars by using the blocked off construction lane. I know your gigantic Suburban is better than my little girly car and can handle that bumpy, stripped road, and that you could have taken off the front end of my Civic for not letting you in, but see, hereís my theory: you already take up too much.
-You take up too much of the road. I know, the lanes should be wider to accommodate you, but they arenít yet. You take up the entire lane from left to right, and if that isnít enough, you usually donít pay attention to your driving, so you take up even more by drifting over at me. Or, you are tailgating me at 80 MPH on the highway to make you move out of your way. So you pretty much already get the majority of the road.
-You take up too much parking space. Your long ass car hangs out into the driving lane. You take forever to park because you canít maneuver your battleship into the space; if you are conscientious enough to care that you are parked between the lines, or close to the curb, which isnít the norm. So, you usually take up more than your share of parking spaces by parking like shit. But hey, you are special, and youíll ďonly be a minuteĒ. I should be more patient.
-You take up too much of my line of vision. I canít see around you to see if I can make a left turn; I canít see around you to see if I should pull into traffic. I canít see the road ahead of me for your big ass. Iím usually stuck reading the stupid stickers you put on that big ass to announce your alliances. I know I should care about New Trier, or the fact that you are proud of your University of Dayton alumni status, but I really donít.
-You take up too much gas. I know itís your right if you can afford to pay for it, but I canít help feeling sorry for those mothers who are paying for your gas addiction with their sons. Iíll try harder to get over it.
-You take up too much air. I know your FUV is officially categorized by the government as a truck so you donít have to adhere to regular emissions standards, but itís my ozone too. And Iíd like a few days of summer to be less than 100 degrees, I still like snow in the winter, but hey, Iím selfish that way.
-You take up too much velocity. When you hit me doing your 50 mph, there is no doubt I will die because your two tons of metal will not be slowed significantly by my compact car. I guess I should be grateful that I will go quickly, if not painlessly.
-You take up too many cell phone minutes. Is there some secret FUV club that I am not aware of? Because you are all, always, on your cell phones.
So, Mr. or Ms. FUV driver, if you see me in my little Civic, know that Iím sorry that I donít let you cut into traffic after driving around those waiting in line. Iím sorry I donít give you the option at a 4 way stop. Iím sorry if I donít move out of your way immediately on the highway when you tailgate. Iím sorry Iím not more courteous, because, to me, just the fact that you are driving that thing without a legitimate reason makes you a selfish prick.